Saturday, September 10, 2011

Mean Guys Finish First

Saturday again. The weekend is always chasing it's tail in a circle. We are continually coming back to this point ... Saturday.

I think that Darby Crash once said, "everything works in circles. Like sometimes your doing something then a year later your back at the same point ... understand?"

Yeah Darby I do.

Somebody came up to me on the street. This was a few days ago, "Hey ... Mafia! I heard you got laid a few times over Labor Day."

"No shit! Because that's not what I heard."

"Yeah! I read it in the Dark Desert ... or, well, uh ... my girlfriend read it in there and told me about it. Good for you, bro!"

"Thanks ... but you know that is all just a work of fiction."

"Fiction? Yeah, bro ... whatever ... you laid the pipe! You were balls deep! Hahahah. Catch you later. I gotta get in here for some smokes. See you at your next gig, man!"

I think in my last "blog-story" I was the only one that didn't pull any trim. Actually I am quit sure of it. I haven't been laid since ... well, let me check my watch! No ... let's just say it's been sometime in the past. That kind of goes without saying. I guess you can't get laid in the future unless your Michael J. Fox cruising the space-time continuim in a black, 1982 Delorean. I gotta stop writing myself into the script. It can only lead to nasty rumors, sad faces, and lawsuits.

When I leave voice messages for the Advance Man he has a feature on his voicemail where google sends him a text version of the message. He can read what the message says without having to listen. Google has unique and interesting translations of these messages. I called him last night and this is what Google texted him:

Ha ha Bob Chambers! Your soul is a homesick hitchhiker. By bye bye liquor race. Profound nigga. I'm all out of leslie. Maddock mondays and vanish into thin air because we are running with the shadows of the night. Or, if she needs to let you in on the given into the sound St. Anyways, gimmie a call.


"Advance Man it's Mafia ... just returning your call. Down at the liquor store right now. Encouraging wayward souls not to buy and consume the alcoholic demon. Ha! Anyway, it's been a long time since we last spoke ... like yesterday. Quit running man ... Gimmie a call back."

Frankly, I prefer Google's version. Far superior. I hope that Google never perfects their technology in this field because Google is the modern day poet laureate. Mother truckin', lyrical master! Profound is one word to describe it. Cutting edge is another. Avante Garde comes to mind. Lucky another. Put your pens down boys and take notice. It's all over ... Google V-Mail translator has you in check.

Coming back around to the campfire here ... I think there was a point to all this. The facts of events and circumstances always remain constant, but the truth wears a million different disguises. The truth can be the most fictitious thing going ... especially when it is coming at you second hand. Word of advice ... don't believe everything your told. It may have been translated by Google V-mail.

So, if your reading The Dark Desert for any other reason then being entertained well ... don't. And don't take this so serious. Half of what I write is a work and the other half is a lie. Occasionally a sentence slips out that flows from my soul. But only occasionally.

Life has a strange way of whispering in your ear when your least expecting it. And the news isn't always good. And it isn't always bad. But guaranteed it's only one version of events ... and there are million version's out there.

It's Saturday again. I'm back in front of the typewriter again. Listening to WCPE Classical Music out of Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 15 in B flat. I've come full circle again. Maybe, you to, are back at the same spot you were a week ago. Maybe your wondering how in the good, god-damn did this all happen?! And what can I do this weekend to justify my glum, humdrum existence in the nine to five weekly hamster wheel. How am I going to look that life in the face come Monday, Maddock?

Good question ...

"... Circle One is what we are doing now. And someday we might do Circle Two." to finish up Mr. Crashes previous quote. Darby, hope to Christ we move on to Circle Two soon. Sitting in the middle of the Mojave desert with my thumb up my ass just dosen't seem all that rewarding anymore.

Maybe your out there alone and reading this. Maybe you'd like to come by and sit on the coach and hold hands and listen to WCPE and find out what the deal is. Now, I'm not hinting that you can come over to my place and sit on the coach with me. Stay as far away from my front door as possible for fuck's sake. But, go ahead and do it for yourself ... just fire up the internet, turn the dail to WCPE, and get down with the naked word. It's all that's left and it's the best thing going. And once you knock out a few paragraphs call up that special someone and tell em' Hayden's Symphony #12 in G is on at 8 p.m. BYOB baby! All night long.

Oh yeah, and in case you didn't know, mean guys finish first. So if you do happen to come over to my house .... I promise not to be nice.

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